I really fucked it up this time, learn from your mother or you’ll spend your days biting your own neck. Some people don’t understand that company and companionship is all we need.  In order to heal I need my family and friends to support me. So far the only support I’ve had are from my family.  That’s not enough. I need the entire world on my side in order to heal from bipolar disorder. It’s something within everyone, ADD, ADHD, OCD and even depression- something most North Americans suffer from, they’re all sicknesses that need support. It’s not something that needs to be kept a secret. We should all be proud of our flaws and the mistakes we make, because in the end they make us stronger. Yet we also must learn where to draw the line between good and bad. Like the Ying Yang sign, it is important that I am good and equally just as bad.

As much help as my family has been I need support from those people who call themselves my friends. If they truly loved me, they would come and visit. What stops them? Fear.  Fear of the unknown and misunderstandings. It’s another prime example of humans hurting themselves as a whole. We hurt the ones closest to us simply because we know they will never leave our side.

I finally give up on people who don’t listen to me because they’re missing out on a person that can change their lives.  It just hurts me when people do that, especially in certain relationships.  My boyfriend loves me enough to call my father everyday and ask and chat about how I’m doing. I am a lab rat right now and i don’t enjoy being constantly tested by people and others.

In the end it all boils down to love and who loves me most. My family loves me, as does my boyfriend and the people here at the hospital. I just want to touch and help as many people as I can, is that really too much to ask for? I don’t need to do it all at once but I want to. I want to volunteer at my old high school because they helped shape who I am today.

My stimulation is when I help others and can see quick results. The people in the hospital were saddening, they were dealing with terminal cancer, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s all natural, we just know how to name it now. You don’t steal to love others, you work hard and then give them gifts from your earnings.

When you try to date back your ancestry what do you do? You make a family tree. Each person is a leaf, put them together and you have a family branch. It gets better, there is more than one branch on a tree, there are about sixty. And they all come from the same thing, the roots. “What are your roots?” she asked. It’s important to know who you ought to be. We are one colossal tree.  We are forever free. Fly like a butterfly or bee.  Andrew will always be my older protective and sensitive brother. Chris, I want to leap over the success that you are. The purest man is Johnny, he only has the one glass of champagne every new year.  My father and I are both sappy and love hoarding and such. Mother, I have your great strength and will. Friends are for a reason a season or a lifetime,  the lifetime ones just become another branch.

people keep asking me why i dont want to go to prom. and theres no way to answer it except i just dont want to. i dont think people want to understand why someone wouldnt go to the most “lifechanging” and even the most amazing experience of their highschool lives. some people say that their prom sucked, but they would still go just for the sake of saying, hey, i WENT to prom. and thats what important. but i really dont see it that way. 

  so heres my answer fellow people: i dont want to be like everyone else. i want to be able to grow up and remember, hey, i was that girl who said fuckit, theres no way im gunna follow the crowd. im not insecure and i dont need one stupid fucking night to change my life and make one night the night to remember. i dont want to be a forty year old woman who sits at home after a long day at work and wishes they can go back to thier highschool years and reminisce of the times when they were cool and popular and the most awesome people on the planet. but what some people dont get is that it actually doesnt matter. it doesnt. once you leave highschool you dont just magically stay the same status as you were before, and thats the beautiful thing about change. i have to say though, i dont really like change either, im just that kind of person, but that doesnt mean i need to go to prom.

id rather spend a night by the fire for hours with my friends talking untill two am untill the stars are shining and we run out of cigarettes and beer. then you stumble back home and try and figure out how the fuck you explain to your parents your slurred speech and stumbling. id rather sit in a basement and sleep untill im satisfied and make new friends the entire night. id rather waste my time at home playing nintendo 64 games and talking to my friends on my phone. there are so many things id rather do. and you know what? illl do them.

the beauty of prom.. you go and dress up and everyone is so beautiful. well yeah, you can do that any night. just fucking dress up and go to some shitty restauraunt and get attention from the creepy locals and the wierd scene people who think youre  a freak. i dont know. its just a thought i guess