I really fucked it up this time, learn from your mother or you’ll spend your days biting your own neck. Some people don’t understand that company and companionship is all we need.  In order to heal I need my family and friends to support me. So far the only support I’ve had are from my family.  That’s not enough. I need the entire world on my side in order to heal from bipolar disorder. It’s something within everyone, ADD, ADHD, OCD and even depression- something most North Americans suffer from, they’re all sicknesses that need support. It’s not something that needs to be kept a secret. We should all be proud of our flaws and the mistakes we make, because in the end they make us stronger. Yet we also must learn where to draw the line between good and bad. Like the Ying Yang sign, it is important that I am good and equally just as bad.

As much help as my family has been I need support from those people who call themselves my friends. If they truly loved me, they would come and visit. What stops them? Fear.  Fear of the unknown and misunderstandings. It’s another prime example of humans hurting themselves as a whole. We hurt the ones closest to us simply because we know they will never leave our side.

I finally give up on people who don’t listen to me because they’re missing out on a person that can change their lives.  It just hurts me when people do that, especially in certain relationships.  My boyfriend loves me enough to call my father everyday and ask and chat about how I’m doing. I am a lab rat right now and i don’t enjoy being constantly tested by people and others.

In the end it all boils down to love and who loves me most. My family loves me, as does my boyfriend and the people here at the hospital. I just want to touch and help as many people as I can, is that really too much to ask for? I don’t need to do it all at once but I want to. I want to volunteer at my old high school because they helped shape who I am today.

My stimulation is when I help others and can see quick results. The people in the hospital were saddening, they were dealing with terminal cancer, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s all natural, we just know how to name it now. You don’t steal to love others, you work hard and then give them gifts from your earnings.

When I try to remember my summer, it seems so hazy. But then again, that could be because of the amount of alcohol consumed during it.

What I remember most is moments at my cottage where I would be lying down on the swaying dock and holding a beer, with a cigarette in my other hand, shivering a little from the crisp cool and looking up at the mosaic of stars above me. All with my best friend, my sister. God those were such great times and the conversation, when you look at those billions of stars, always lead to why we exist and other unexplainable phenomenon. But then when you wake up, you try to consider what you were thinking and decide it wasn’t worth worrying about, it could be solved later.

Then I remember that time I got my tongue pierced, the beginning of a new and odd phase for me, where I slipped back into who I used to be, but I knew I was a new person. Weird how people can recognize themselves that way.

Camp is a place where I realized was somewhat contagious to me. I can spend as much time as I like away from it and lie to other people and say that I didn’t miss it during the year. But I knew I needed camp. There is always going to be those moments where I need to reminisce about camp memories and somehow looking back it’s all bittersweet. Yet, when I’m at camp, sitting on the swings and having a deep conversation with a new friend, I couldn’t be happier. It’s like my life expected me to wait in order to find this new family and stay with them forever. After this last year, I finally decided that I won’t take myself away from camp ever again, it’s something that’s necessary after a while.

My family, the actual one. Dear god, we have so many goddamn issues. I think I’ve finally decided to take my own advice. Don’t mess things up while you’ve got it good, just go with what works until you’re out of the house. It’ll be hard but I hope worth it in the end.

All in all, a pretty great summer. No nights that I didn’t remember and no nights that I regret. It was just all great while it lasted.